


Alternate

by MotherHecker



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-17 15:21:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16519025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MotherHecker/pseuds/MotherHecker
Summary: "My perfect life is one without Howard Moon!""If only..."





	1. Be Careful What You Wish For

**Author's Note:**

> I know I'm not a good writer. And I know no one will read this. But I felt obligated to write some small fanfiction for my latest obsession.

It was a beautiful night in Shoreditch. Stars were shining through the clouds in the sky and the moon was babbling about his other planetary buddies. Under his illumination, in a home above a knick-knack store, Howard Moon was dressing himself, preparing for a delightful and sophisticated evening. He looked in the mirror as he fastened his necktie and then stepped back to take in the full Howard Moon experience. A tawny undershirt, with an umber suit and tie to match. Topped off with a gorgeous, majestic hat. He looked pretty sharp.

Vince stepped out of his room in onyx skinny jeans and a black T-shirt covered in pink and green pictures that we can only assume Vince drew on with glow-in-the-dark markers. 

Howard caught glimpse of Vince's outfit in the mirror and turned around to berate him. "Vince, you're not even dressed!"

"Oh, come now, Howard, I put on something a little less out there and you have to come down on me like that?"

"I mean you're not dressed appropriately for what we're doing this evening!"

"We're doing something this evening?" Vince tilted his head inquisitively.

"Vince. You agreed that on Tuesday night, you would join me at Peter's new form Jazz club."

Vince laughed obnoxiously, "What?! There's no fuckin' way I'd agree to that!"

"Well, you did."

"Well, I'm not going," Vince stated, literally turning his back on him.

"Vince, you promised!" Howard whined.

Vince turned back. "I didn't promise nothing! You're making this up."

"How do you not remember, you shiny little tit box?!"

"Was I drunk when you asked?"

Howard paused in thought. "...You were drink-ING. I didn't think you were DRUNK. But you may have been."

"Well, there you go, you idiot! You can't trust in anything I say under the influence of fresh and creamy Bailey's."

"But I made the arrangements and everything!"

"Well, then un-make them!"

"You can't just--! Ugh, God! You always have to complicate things, don't you, Vince? Be easier if you never said anything. Everything would be so much simpler if I wasn't with you!"

"Too right it would! I wouldn't have to act like a nerd all day with my friend because he's a cowardly jazz freak with a terrible moustache!"

Howard gasped, "That is a low blow, sir!"

"Tough shit! Deal with it, you ballbag. I regret nothing!"

"Well, I for one regret ever meeting you!"

"Me too! My perfect life is one without Howard Moon!"

"If only..." Naboo mumbled.

Vince and Howard's heads simultaneously snapped to the quiet shaman reading a magazine on a nearby sofa. Fuck, since when did they have such good hearing?

"You got something to say, Naboo?" Vince interrogated.

"Actually, I do," Naboo said calmly as he stood up from his chair. "Come on. You guys need to see something."

The feuding pair curiously followed their short landlord to his room, where he reached into a cupboard to pull out a small purple orb.

"You see this crystal-- Vince, stop." Naboo instructed when Vince appeared to just be using the reflection on the ball to fix his hair. He stopped and refocused his attention to the shaman's words.

Naboo began again. "You see this crystal ball? This is the AU ball."

"The what?" Howard asked, judging the name choice.

"The AU ball, you berk. Shut up and listen. The AU stands for 'alternate universe'. It can find any alternate timeline of your lives and see into the past and the present of there."

"The past and the present? So it can't see into the future? Like all other crystal balls can?" Howard criticised.

"Piss off, Howard, it's still pretty cool."

Vince piped in. "Okay, I'm sorry, I'm really not getting it. What is it?"

"It's an AU ball. See, in the past, there are many decisions that had to be made, some you inflicted, some others did, but they always affect you. This ball allows you to see what would happen if one of those decisions were different."

"Got that, Vince?" Howard asked condescendingly.

"Yes, I got that, Moon," Vince replied in a mockingly camp voice.

"And the reason I show you this is because you're in an argument. More than an argument, this is a Freaky Friday level fight. So to settle it, you both need to see each others's worth."

"What are you on about, Naboo?" Vince asked.

"Well... What if you two never met?"


	2. You Just Might Get It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Boosh take a look into an alternate timeline. I mean, duh, that should be obvious, the name of the thing is "alternate".

The three men were all sitting on Naboo's bed, just as they did whenever Naboo told them stories. Vince and Howard made a point to sit as far away from each other as possible, with the shaman acting as a buffer between them. They all stared into the crystal ball, although only Naboo could actually see what was going on within it.

"You were in high school. It was lunch time. Vince was at a table, scribbling onto a sheet of note paper and occasionally taking a bite out of his sandwich. Howard was sitting by himself. Looking old and alone at only the age of 16. Vince being 13."

"Wait, I thought we had, like, ten years difference," Vince interjected.

"I thought we were the same age," Howard added

"Well, you two struggle in continuity on the subject, so let's just say for THIS story, you're three years apart."

"Alright, fair enough," Vince reasoned.

"Anyway, Howard is lonely. He looked around at all the normal people and considered striking up a conversation with one of them. He decided not to when he remembered the few instances he tried that he was shunned. But then his eyes landed on Vince. The boy drawing a horse. Well, a pony really. He thought he seemed like an artistic type. Maybe Vince would understand him, he thought."

Howard cut him off, "Spoiler alert, he doesn't."

"Oh, fuck off, Howard," Vince retorted.

"Guys, seriously, shut it. I'm telling a story."

"We all know this story. We lived it," Howard assured him.

"You didn't live THIS version of it. The version where you DIDN'T talk to him."

"Well, what did I do?"

"I was just about to tell you, wasn't I? You mustered up the courage to go over there, but then you were hit with a wave of anxiety. Vince was popular. Vince was liked. Vince was pretty."

"Hey, cheers, Naboo," Vince interrupted with a grin.

"And you, Howard, you're a creepy loner."

"Thanks," Howard commented sarcastically.

"You thought Vince might've been too cool for you. And at that moment, you had to figure out which path you were headed down. You chose to not talk to him."

"Did you really think I was too cool for you?" Vince asked, looking at Howard with an expression of complete smugness.

Howard replied defensively, "No! That's just Naboo's interpretation. He can't read my mind. Can you?" He turned to the shaman.

"Nah, I'm just good at guessing."

"So, what happened? Where are we now?" Vince questioned.

"Let's see... Well, Howard eventually bunked off school to work at the zoo. But Vince didn't. Howard hadn't brought him on. So Vince actually got his education. He got pretty mediocre grades. A bit under average. Fucking terrible in English."

Naboo was interrupted once again. "Hey! I can't help it! I'm dyslexic or something, I think."

"How do you not know if you have a mental disorder?"

"Because I've never seen a doctor."

"Your parents did not treat you right."

"My parents were dead," Vince replied frankly.

Howard suddenly felt awkward and guilty. "Oh. Right. Um, whoever your guardian was then."

"I lived with Bryan Ferry in the forest. Wait, did I even go to school?" Vince asked more to himself as he tried to recall his childhood.

"Okay, we get it, your origin story has plot holes. It's fanfiction, just let it be how it is. Now where was I?"

"The zoo," Vince helped.

"Right. Howard was working at the zoo. He spent most of his time trailing after that Tommy git like a lovesick puppy. When he mysteriously disappeared, Howard was sad. But since he didn't have Vince Noir there to eventually make him feel better, he was like that for a while. Constantly depressed. His obsessive love for Mrs. Gideon was draining. He didn't even bother trying to talk to her. He lost his confidence for that. He didn't have anyone that could inspire him to be more social," Naboo went on, glancing at Vince in reference to the last sentence.

"Howard got really fucking sad then. No sunshine boy to keep his spirits up. He stooped to turning to Fossil for comfort. He provided it somewhat. Bob was well weird, but he let Howard hang around him. And when the zoo shut down for reasons that are never discussed, Howard moved in with Bob."

"Oh, my God! That's the worst thing I could think of! How could I do that?!" Howard asked, appalled at himself.

"Okay, that was real fascinating an' all but don't you think you're forgetting about somebody?" Vince inferred, pointing obviously to himself.

"I'm getting there. Vince graduated from high school, maintaining a C average. Then he went off to art college. He had to fight off a lot of chavs around there that made fun of him for his fashion sense. I wish you could see it, he looks fucking badass. Even in a pink catsuit."

"Nice. But do I get depressed?"

"Well, let's see... You fall into a bad crowd. You went in for all the parties they threw, but when they started offering up drugs, you didn't turn them down. And not cool drugs like weed, the intense kind, like acid. You still have morals in this timeline, so you eventually drop the druggie friends. But then you got hooked on painkillers. Thinking that pills weren't as bad as the other drugs you ingested. That's where you'd really gone wrong. So, yes, Vince, you do get depressed."

"Shit, that is a bleak story!" Vince exclaimed.

"Now do you see my point?"

"What was your point exactly?" Howard asked.

"Stop arguing or I'll put you in this timeline."


	3. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A happy ending.

After being threatened to leave their universe, Howard and Vince hastily got out of Naboo's room and congregated back near the sofa.

Howard apologized, "I'm sorry for getting mad, Vince. I know you hate jazz. You don't have to come to the club."

"No, I'm sorry. I should be more invested in your dumb little interests. I'll come. Let me just find a good hat, then I'll plot out an outfit from there." Vince retreated into his room.

"Great. But we don't have a lot of--"

Vince slid out of the doorway, skidding on his black knee-length boots. He was wearing a red vest with a gold accent that only covered the top half of his torso. On his legs were some super short red shorts. And to top it off, a black bowler hat.

"...Time," Howard finished, astonished for several reasons.

"Isn't it great? I'd forgotten I'd made this outfit. I remember it now. I looked up jazz fashion and tried making something similar to the first thing that came up."

"THAT'S the first thing that came up?"

"I know, I was surprised too. I didn't think Jazz could be sexy."

"Are you kidd--?!" Howard started, enraged at Vince's misunderstanding of jazz, but stopped himself. He didn't want to live with Fossil. "Never mind. It's real hot, Vince. Let's go."

After that, they both had a wonderful night. Well, kind of. Vince, being literally allergic to jazz, had to go outside every few minutes so he wouldn't break out in hives. But, aside from the medical distress, wonderful night. Okay, it wasn't wonderful. It was awful. Someone tried to kill them. What do you want? It's the Boosh. We don't have happy endings here.


End file.
